How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
