He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
We need a shit load of segways right now
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If its not for food we ain't going out.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
