I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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