I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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