I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
