Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
In other news, I just burned my penis
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
