forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
