Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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