I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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