I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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