He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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