I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
