Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
