I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
