New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
