I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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