Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize