So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
