Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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