All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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