I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
