Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
