I faked an abortion last night.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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