If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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