I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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