ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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