im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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