I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
