I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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