I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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