Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
