im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
