apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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