i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
