She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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