He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
did i walk over a car last night?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
