Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
