Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
