i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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