My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
