The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
So many bounce houses so little time
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize