If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
