JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
