I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize