I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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