I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize