Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
