I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize