I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
