Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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