Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
