I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
