I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
