i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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