we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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