her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
