I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
