You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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