Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
