dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
