don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
